6 Weeks of Hugo

Whoa. What a hurricane of emotion the past six weeks have been!

First of all, the love. Man oh man the love for this human who never used to exist before, then was the size of a poppyseed, then kicked and kicked his way to 9 months. Watching him change and develop over the past six weeks has been mind blowing. He really does have a personality.

I keep feeling in such awe of reproduction in general. It feels so insane, the wildest thing that exists in life to GROW a LIFE inside your body. Sustain it with your body. Watch him become, feel and think. And yet, it’s the most common thing there is - it’s how all of us got here. It blows my mind still, every day.

I know many struggle with reproduction and I assumed I’d be one. If not physically, I at least assumed I’d be held up psychologically. I have a history of sexual assault, and had a difficult time in some relationships. More recently, after a pretty bad relationship in my early 30s, I really struggled with dating and couldn’t for the life of me imagine being comfortable enough to share a bed, let alone a life with someone. I figured I’d be crippled in this area for life, so I went on focusing on my love for training, and floundering in my personal life. I always worried, during this time, that I’d never be able to be a mother. I’d never get the chance because I’d never feel at ease alongside a partner ever again.

Long story short, a few sessions with a wonderful therapist helped me to untangle the discord I had within. I became increasingly honest with myself, and also self-compassionate which had always been amiss on a deeper level. When I met Guillermo, we were both warm and kind, present and honest, transparent and ready to give life our all. I have to say, we’ve had about two arguments in our relationship, which in my experience is pretty damn good. Great things can happen when you really face your own sh*t (we’ve all got some), and get optimistic and forthright.

I felt uncomfortable at first sharing my pregnancy, and my experience with birth and motherhood because I know that there are couples out there, and women especially, who are unable to carry. I tend to anticipate this kind of reception early enough to keep me from celebrating things in my life sometimes, and I realize that’s not really helpful either. It’s important that we all be earnest. That we be empathetic toward one another, and also as happy as we possibly can be. In short, to always feel it all.

What a perfect segway to direct this post back to early motherhood: FEELING IT ALL.

Hormones, yep - sure. But I haven’t quite come to grips with the pain I feel when the baby is screaming with gas pain. When I can’t perfect my approach to make sure he feels 100% delightful at every moment. When he is crying in pain, I try my best to stay strong, sweet and calm. But occasionally, I thrust him at Guillermo and break down completely. What am I eating that is ripping his gut apart like this? How do you possibly deal with the guilt of physically hurting a tiny, vulnerable, sweet little human? Man, it’s tough. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

His smiles lift me higher than anything, his cries feel like absolute torture. This is, I’ve decided, what is the most exhausting part of motherhood.

ALL. THE. FEELINGS. All the time.

Well, I did decide this platform could be more of an unbridled ramble than a concise and well-written fitness blog. Here we have it.

Early motherhood is not a straight road, there are no clear and sure resolutions. Every win is flimsy and short-lived, and thus the path is jagged, staggered and as fussy as Hugo is. There is no thesis.

There is so much beauty in the wild, though. So much.

{Speaking of beauty, my next post will be on the 3 min makeup routine I’ve discovered that perks me up in the one long, never-ending frumpy day I live while tending baby :) }