Well, this is a bit of a complicated one.

In the interest of being completely honest, my comfort level with fitness and my body has been a bit staggered. I can feel attempted surges and drops. I’ve been working hard at keeping the teeter totter in the middle - not being too disappointed in how things feel or where I’m at, while I’m also not having the satisfying hard blasts of workouts I used to, either.

My endorphins don’t rush the way they used to after a workout. Mostly, the work is hard as I try to get my left side keeping up with my right. It’s hard work to put my shoulders where they’re supposed to go, as they’re so rounded carrying 19.5-pound Hugo for several hours a day. It’s hard work focusing on my pelvic floor and prolapse, breathing well and accepting a more limited range of motion in most movements. I fatigue faster, because of the lack of sleep and extra ten pounds. And when the workout is finished, I feel somewhat satisfied. Not on top of the world, as I used to.

So, I am at six months. I will say I’ve done very well at making consistent efforts to move. Not moving is not an option for me. I do make fitness a priority at least 5-6 days a week, because it’s part of my identity. It’s one of the things that makes me the happiest - this focus and this work. My mental health already declines after too many days off in a row (for example, I can feel a drop in mood and an increase in needless anxiety after even 3 days of no movement).

Now. I talk a lot about how fitness and great nutrition make people feel. I don’t talk very much about fat loss, or changing aesthetics, except for privately with clients when it is important to them. I do this for a reason: first of all, changing aesthetics is not a goal for everyone, and I think it can be damaging for fitness teachers to assume that it is. Most people want to change how they feel, but wanting to change how you look before wanting to change how you feel can be risky for some. I’ll elaborate: The way we see ourselves has been manipulated, based on absorbing a lot of unrealistic images such as airbrushing and filters. So, self-esteem is already fragile in this comparison game. When I talk about goals, I focus on the outcome of feel and health, because your appearance will change. It’s a given. You will be stronger, glowier, and likely carrying a different body shape. Just as during an exercise that is quad-dominant, I may ask you to think instead about your glutes and core so that your hips find the right position. You’ll feel your quads no matter what, no need to think about them! So, no need to discuss aesthetic change often, and further the discord many people already have with their looks.We need to control where the brain goes for optimal health.

I will admit that adjusting to my different appearance has felt more difficult on some days. My face is rounder, my arms are bigger (not with muscle!) with the 8-10lbs I’m still carrying after baby. Honestly, I don’t care about the number on the scale. But sometimes, you can feel less like yourself when your appearance shifts and then stays shifted for a while. I’m working on this. Sometimes, because I too am prone to society’s pressures (I’m human, and the pressures are long-standing and aggressive), I have to resort to how I may coach a client. —> “It’s okay to feel like you want to change. It’s okay to want to feel better. You must, however, self-motivate from a positive space. Do not speak negatively to or about yourself. Be aware of how you may feel when your habits change, when your strength improves, and look forward to how that improvement feels.”

My relationship with fitness at the moment can be summed up by feeling grateful for every amount of movement I get in. Some days it is a 12 minute run. Some days I spin, never longer than 20 minutes. Some days (the best days) I get 30 minutes of heart-pumping, body-shaping and strength-boosting resistance training in. Some days I do 25 minutes of pilates during one of Hugo’s naps. The variety is beautiful and invigorating. No matter how little sleep I’ve had, I feel better after moving my blood around and shifting my focus into progress in my physical body. Every little extra bit of strength I gain, the better I feel about how my appearance has shifted.

The fat loss, in this last window of it, may be slow. I won’t restrict my food, I eat well and my body needs more grub to get through these sleep deprived days and to keep my milk supply up to feed my child. My brain needs frequent meals to function!

Being earnest with ourselves about how we feel stuck in the middle of both the body love movement and society’s incessant pressures is smart. From awareness, we gain power and control. It is the first step in respecting yourself. There’s no shame in recognizing the pull of both, and working on where you are today and where you’d like to be.

I respect my body. I accept where it is. I value everything it is able to do, and I enjoy the process of gaining more abilities. I am not perfect when it comes to a positive body image, as I do want to look better to feel better, as well as feel better to look better.

Ultimately, the main project is to become comfortable in the “try”. We are forever trying to do and be better, that’s what life is. Whether it be to be more socially conscious, more kind, to learn more… to be stronger. And to be kinder to ourselves.

It’s all forever a process.